So Beware this is long and possibly very dull, but useful for me to see what hasn't worked, why this has been a struggle for so long, and for me to move on and not think of myself as that fat person anymore. :)
My WW awareness started with my mum back in around 1997-98, when she started WW after years of gaining weight, and then a little more after my youngest brother was born. At this point, I was still a kid, and was swimming training all the time and was fit, healthy and active. I really had no awareness of my weight, except for the fact that most of my friends were considerably lighter than me, but when I asked my dad whether that meant I was fat, he showed me that it was muscle from swimming, and since he couldn't do the pinch the belly test it was all good. So I was fine with that.
Mum went on to lose 35 kilos, over time (no quick fixes, just lifestyle change!) and became a leader and has been for at least 7 years now. She got so interested that she took up studying Nutrition at Uni, and graduated in 2004, and this year decided to go back a do her Masters of Dietetics, I am so proud of her! :)
[Mum's graduation!]
Anyway, unfortunately, while Mum got small, I got Big. Quickly. When puberty hit, everything went wrong and all my hormones went far from normal. I have a thyroid and piturity gland problem, which has caused problems with my ovaries and basically left me sick for years... And I got glandular fever and resulting low immunity to everything, so I was sick and miserable for years. The problem was that I allowed myself to console my feeling sick and miserable with food. So it's not all being sick, it's me keeping myself that way.
Basically I went from girls clothes, to size 14 women's, do not pass go, do not collect $200. And really, I didn't even seem to realized it had happened for a good while. I still thought I was the same. In year 10 it did hit me, I went to the year ten formal looking like a blob, and I realized it when I saw the photos. So from that point on I tried to count points at home (had all mum's books) and my year 12 formal dress was still a 16, but it didn't look to bad.
It was other emotional issues that lead me to gain (more) weight when I moved away to Uni. I had some exceedingly bad experiences with guys, and found myself hiding behind my weight. And at this point I joined WW. In the following years I have gone up to hit my heaviest at 83.4, I have been down to hit 74ish a couple of times, and have battled more than a few health problems. The smallest I have ever been though in my entire teen and adult life has been a 12-14, and never have really been within throwing distance of the Healthy BMI. But in the approx 2 years since my heaviest, and despite putting back on 6kgs after the pneumonia last winter, I have gone from a 16-18 (meaning I couldn't fit the 16's, but I was too proud to buy 18's so I was just really very uncomfortable and avoid shopping cos I didn't fit anything...) to now a size 8-10 (mainly 8 on top, mainly 10 on bottom, though some 8's, and some random things in the cupboard with weird sizes... :)
[Pic from first year of Uni]
Some of my biggest hurdles has been changing that attitude of consoling myself when I get sick with food. That has been the thing to always ruin my best efforts, when I have got sick, I have gotten bigger. So that's why I have been so keen to celebrate my triumphs over the colds I have had lately, cos I am changing that attitude. I really feel on that front that I have conquered the mountain!
The other hurdle which took years to overcome was those male issues. I felt less likely to be abused if I was unattractive, so that lead to the years of ups and downs, all the while still going to WW, because deep down I did not WANT to be slim and attractive, I was safer how I was. I did want to feel better about myself, but I had to deal with those emotions first, and that took time. My hubby and I were very good friends for 18 months before he asked me out, and at that point I at my biggest, but was just figuring out those emotions and moving on. 18 months later we got married and I was the smallest I had been in ages, the dress was a 14 but I was fitting into some 12's. I can honestly say that I have deleted those issues of the face of the earth. My hubby is a wonderful man, and those scared days are well behind me. Looking back I can see how different my 'journey' to control my weight has been since I got through and rid of those issues and mistrust.
A hurdle I wasn't expecting was the scared of being really tiny. I was so used to being me and being bigger, that when I hit a size 12, I got really comfortable. It was such an average size! I fit in with everyone else! I kept reading stories of successful slimmers who where all excited about being a 12, and I had never, ever been smaller than that. I skipped the 'tiny lady' clothes, and I never did the teenage clothes. So I got stuck on that weight/size for quite some time, and I had to shift focus again. I had to say to myself that the important thing is to get to the healthy weight range, and I have to do it for my health, and also as the best chance for me to have children. And No Count has also been a huge help in that, as I really am a terrible tracker, so I have made my lifestyle a healthy No Count one that I can happily do the rest of my life!)
This is an interesting hurdle for me to look back on, because I am hitting similar issues at the moment, in that I don't want to be smaller than an 8, as I want to be able to fit and buy clothes! Once again though I am focusing on the healthy weight range, and I know I have a little way before I am an all over 8, so that should be ok. I hope!
A strange one that I have had to reconcile to myself is that some people see losing 14-15kilos as not much of an achievement. This was really ticking me off, but have found since showing my before photo first, when asked how much I have lost, people have a much greater understanding of just how much that 15 means on my body. A lot of people say look like I have lost 30, and I was thinking about it, and figured out that if I was average height, according to the BMI change I would have lost 25-28ish kilos. So that makes me feel pretty good. :)
Also I worked out that averaged out, a dress size is LESS THAN 3 kilos for me.
Very interesting...
So basically this really has helped me. I can see how much I have changed, and I can see what is really bugging me at the moment and could be in the way. It's not the fact that I have stayed the same for the last few weeks, as I have been on so many plateau's before, and also I know my body shape is still refining itself, and I have never ever been a big, fast loser. No, it's the thought that I am happy with my body, and I feel like I should be at goal. I feel like at this size and shape, the scales should recognise me as being at a good place. What they are actually saying to me is that I am still not at the World Health Organization's recommendations, and that I need to lose more.
So thats what I am going to do. I can be happy with my body, and still strive for the healthy BMI. I just don't want to continue the trend of losing a dress size every 3 kilos or I'd be in trouble! I don't think that could happen though, I think I'll be alright. It's just all new and different and will take some getting used to! :)
I am really looking forward to my new jeans, and I would love to get there soon, as the sales in june do make things a little easier on the purse-strings... and the jeans I am wearing look a little like elephant skin, and are getting old and are kindda thin anyway. So I will keep on striving, and will not lull myself into rut.
ONWARDS AND DOWNWARDS!
[just a pic of me right now
- complete with dressing gown-
to combat those images of
my woobly chin and cheeks!]
Oh, and I will post the breakfast muffins below in the post that I was talking about them, so go have a look if you want the recipe!
9 comments:
Hey Rae,
Good on you girl, you are doing a great job, so keep on striving, you will do it darl, and before you know it you will be in those new jeans. And thanks for the muffin recipe, you are a real darling for that. Will try them asap.
Keep smiling,
Jen
Hi Rae,
you have come so far, and I am so proud of you for opening up and admitting to yourself how you feel! Congratulations and I hope you keep going onwards and downwards!
Mel
what a great post. i can see you in me and i can tell how far you have come.
and if you are happy with your bod then just plod along til the scales match it :) it will be fine!
bring on goal i say! :)
your sis... d xxx
Rae...well what can I say what a well said post..you have reflected deeply and you have said what you are thinking if any one can do this it is you...what an inspiring post...what a woman..
Berrie xxxx
WOW Rae. What a great, positive, inspirational post.
I think that any weight loss, when made with a positive mind frame and realistic goals is fantastic. Whether that be 5kgs, 10kgs, or 150kgs - and anywhere inbetween. Your weight loss is sensational and you should never feel that what you have done is 'less' than other people. Because it isn't.
You are looking great and having written down all the reasons you put on weight in the first place you can see that you have such a healthy attitude to how you are going now and how you will reach your final goals.
Go for it Rae :D
Great post!! You have come such a long way:)
Looking at all those photos, you have come a long way! [Even when you were bigger] you have such smiley eyes and your whole face lights up :o)
Rae
What a fantastic way to have spent an early morning - you must feel such a release having been able to put all those thoughts and feelings on "paper". I really do believe that weight loss is not about scales (despite my preoccupation with them) but about the journey - and you've articulated yours so well. You're going to make it all the way - nothing can stop you now
Lisa
Rae, just thought i'd let you know your one of those people that people inspire towards! i am one of those short people myself, only 152cm tall, and have been over the last 3 years battling with my weight. i am now down to a comfy size 10, (only 4kg to go!) and it's just nice to hear from someone else that yes, 3kg loss is a dress size difference, and is a HUGE achievement! Well done Rae!
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