I thought this fine public holiday morning, where I am in my jarmies (my hubby isn't even awake yet but I have no excuse to prod him cos its a public holiday so I guess he is entitled!), that I would do a review of my WW experience. All of it!
So
Beware this is long and possibly very dull, but useful for me to see what hasn't worked, why this has been a struggle for so long, and for me to move on and not think of myself as that fat person anymore. :)
My WW awareness started with my mum back in around 1997-98, when she started WW after years of gaining weight, and then a little more after my youngest brother was born. At this point, I was still a kid, and was swimming training all the time and was fit, healthy and active. I really had no awareness of my weight, except for the fact that most of my friends were considerably lighter than me, but when I asked my dad whether that meant I was fat, he showed me that it was muscle from swimming, and since he couldn't do the pinch the belly test it was all good. So I was fine with that.
Mum went on to lose 35 kilos, over time (no quick fixes, just lifestyle change!) and became a leader and has been for at least 7 years now. She got so interested that she took up studying Nutrition at Uni, and graduated in 2004, and this year decided to go back a do her Masters of Dietetics, I am so proud of her! :)
[Mum's graduation!]Anyway, unfortunately, while Mum got small, I got Big. Quickly. When puberty hit, everything went wrong and all my hormones went far from normal. I have a thyroid and piturity gland problem, which has caused problems with my ovaries and basically left me sick for years... And I got glandular fever and resulting low immunity to everything, so I was sick and miserable for years. The problem was that I allowed myself to console my feeling sick and miserable with food. So it's not all being sick, it's me keeping myself that way.
Basically I went from girls clothes, to size 14 women's, do not pass go, do not collect $200. And really, I didn't even seem to realized it had happened for a good while. I still thought I was the same. In year 10 it did hit me, I went to the year ten formal looking like a blob, and I realized it when I saw the photos. So from that point on I tried to count points at home (had all mum's books) and my year 12 formal dress was still a 16, but it didn't look to bad.
It was other emotional issues that lead me to gain (more) weight when I moved away to Uni. I had some exceedingly bad experiences with guys, and found myself hiding behind my weight. And at this point I joined WW. In the following years I have gone up to hit my heaviest at 83.4, I have been down to hit 74ish a couple of times, and have battled more than a few health problems. The smallest I have ever been though in my entire teen and adult life has been a 12-14, and never have really been within throwing distance of the Healthy BMI. But in the approx 2 years since my heaviest, and despite putting back on 6kgs after the pneumonia last winter, I have gone from a 16-18 (meaning I couldn't fit the 16's, but I was too proud to buy 18's so I was just really very uncomfortable and avoid shopping cos I didn't fit anything...) to now a size 8-10 (mainly 8 on top, mainly 10 on bottom, though some 8's, and some random things in the cupboard with weird sizes... :)
[Pic from first year of Uni]
Some of my biggest hurdles has been changing that attitude of consoling myself when I get sick with food. That has been the thing to always ruin my best efforts, when I have got sick, I have gotten bigger. So that's why I have been so keen to celebrate my triumphs over the colds I have had lately, cos I am changing that attitude. I really feel on that front that I have conquered the mountain!
The other hurdle which took years to overcome was those male issues. I felt less likely to be abused if I was unattractive, so that lead to the years of ups and downs, all the while still going to WW, because deep down I did not WANT to be slim and attractive, I was safer how I was. I did want to feel better about myself, but I had to deal with those emotions first, and that took time. My hubby and I were very good friends for 18 months before he asked me out, and at that point I at my biggest, but was just figuring out those emotions and moving on. 18 months later we got married and I was the smallest I had been in ages, the dress was a 14 but I was fitting into
some 12's. I can honestly say that I have deleted those issues of the face of the earth. My hubby is a wonderful man, and those scared days are well behind me. Looking back I can see how different my 'journey' to control my weight has been since I got through and rid of those issues and mistrust.
A hurdle I wasn't expecting was the scared of being really tiny. I was so used to being me and being bigger, that when I hit a size 12, I got
really comfortable. It was such an average size! I fit in with everyone else! I kept reading stories of successful slimmers who where all excited about being a 12,
and I had never, ever been smaller than that. I skipped the 'tiny lady' clothes, and I never did the teenage clothes. So I got stuck on that weight/size for quite some time, and I had to shift focus again. I had to say to myself that the important thing is to get to the healthy weight range, and I have to do it for my health, and also as the best chance for me to have children. And No Count has also been a huge help in that, as I really am a terrible tracker, so I have made my lifestyle a healthy No Count one that I can happily do the rest of my life!)
This is an interesting hurdle for me to look back on, because I am hitting similar issues at the moment, in that I don't want to be smaller than an 8, as I want to be able to fit and buy clothes! Once again though I am focusing on the healthy weight range, and I know I have a little way before I am an all over 8, so that should be ok. I hope!
A strange one that I have had to reconcile to myself is that some people see losing 14-15kilos as not much of an achievement. This was really ticking me off, but have found since showing my before photo first, when asked how much I have lost, people have a much greater understanding of just how much that 15 means on my body. A lot of people say look like I have lost 30, and I was thinking about it, and figured out that if I was average height, according to the BMI change I would have lost 25-28ish kilos. So that makes me feel pretty good. :)
Also I worked out that averaged out, a dress size is LESS THAN 3 kilos for me.
Very interesting...
So basically this really has helped me. I can see how much I have changed, and I can see what is really bugging me at the moment and could be in the way. It's not the fact that I have stayed the same for the last few weeks, as I have been on so many plateau's before, and also I know my body shape is still refining itself, and I have
never ever been a big, fast loser. No, it's the thought that I am happy with my body, and I feel like I should be at goal. I feel like at this size and shape, the scales should recognise me as being at a good place. What they are actually saying to me is that I am still not at the World Health Organization's recommendations, and that I need to lose more.
So thats what I am going to do. I can be happy with my body, and still strive for the healthy BMI. I just don't want to continue the trend of losing a dress size every 3 kilos or I'd be in trouble! I don't think that could happen though, I think I'll be alright. It's just all new and different and will take some getting used to! :)
I am really looking forward to my new jeans, and I would love to get there soon, as the sales in june do make things a little easier on the purse-strings... and the jeans I am wearing look a little like elephant skin, and are getting old and are kindda thin anyway. So I will keep on striving, and will not lull myself into rut.
ONWARDS AND DOWNWARDS!
[just a pic of me right now
- complete with dressing gown-
to combat those images of
my woobly chin and cheeks!]
Oh, and I will post the breakfast muffins below in the post that I was talking about them, so go have a look if you want the recipe!