But not for any longer. I needed to give myself some completely people free time, not just internet free, I've pretty much been avoiding the whole world lately.
I fact, I was planning to not write this post. To just not post for a while, and then start again as if nothing had happened. But I can't do it. I don't think I can get to that point, I think I just need to write it and stop procrastinating... But I am doing that procastinating so well! *grin*
Anyway, last week I miscarried at 10 and a bit weeks. And I have been miserable, hormonal, and a mess ever since. I hadn't told anyone except my husband and parents, I had hinted (or said I hadn't tested yet) and a few people had guessed anyway, but I was going to announce after passing the 12 week mark. Guess not.
I feel like it is my fault, I've been so busy with moving and then the shoot in Sydney and new job, I definitely haven't taken things easy. The doctor said it's not my fault, and I do have a medical condition that I know will make things hard, but it's still awful. The doctor even said it's likely I'll have 4 or 5 miscarriages before we succeed, but I am really not going to let myself think like that.
We really want children, and we are young. And the doctor said that the only reason that I wasn't in hospital was because I am fit and healthy. So we are going to keep playing the best cards, and see where it takes us. Young, fit, healthy.
*sigh* I feel like crying again. I have been a lot. Work has been great, it distracts me by keeping me really busy. It's sitting at home that I find hard. Except for the pregnant mums at work. But I am not jealous, just sad, but hopeful too. I think I am breaking through the sadness a bit now. Maybe that's why I can write this. Can I press the post button? I'm not sure.
In a way, I am really worried about when the pics come out in the mag. Cos I was so happy that day, and physically I have changed a lot since then anyway. I lost 3 kilos (not in a good way obviously) in the first few days, and my body is going back to smaller shape. I completely lost it on my phone interview for the mag, which was only a few days ago. Bawled my eyes out, I couldn't help it. Will I re-live that when the mag comes out? That day I thought everything was wonderful, new job, new me, meeting Donna, being in the mag, and looking forward to the new addition in the family. Besides the fact I was complaining about the very painful gigantic breasts, I was so excited!
I do feel better for getting this out here. Otherwise I'm not sure I would have come back and blogged again. But I know you who read this are friends, even though we have never met I value your comments and encouragement always, and I am not the negative (and fat!) person I used to be, I am a positive new person, and I will get through this fine.
Thankyou all so much for your continued support,
RaeRae :)
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I have a healthy BMI!! WOOT! WWGW of 65kgs acheived Sept 2009.
On the way to the 50's...
19 comments:
Dear Rae
I am so sorry for your loss. I am amazed that you were able to write this post. It shows what strength and courage you have. You are wonderful at expressing how you feel and dealing with the painful emotions this experience has brought you.
The great thing is you have not given up, that you are positive and have confidence in your ability to deal with anything life brings you. Surely this "new you" is worth so much more than just looking great.
Although I have never been in your situation, I offer my support, love and encouragement over cyberspace. You are an amazing person and a role model for all of us on our weight loss journeys.
Love
K xxx
Sending you a huge hug just for you. I am so sorry for your loss and i admire you for posting this as it must be hard. Hope to see you again. Mwah you lovely brave lady
Oh Rae honey, seeing ou the biggest of virtual hugs, if I weren't 7hrs away, I'd just them to you in person. I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage but I have every confidence that you WILL get through this, and writing this post, no matter how painful it was for you, is a step in the right direction. Just remember that you are a different person now with amazing coping skills, this was NOT your fault and that you have to support of EVERYONE around you (including us invisible bloggers ;)). Thinking of your babe xxxxx
Oh rae, this is horrible news. You poor thing. Thankyou for posting your feelings, I think it's very brave of you, and I send you the biggest of hugs also! I come here not just because of your brilliant weight-loss efforts, but also because you seem like such a sweet spirit. There is nothing you could do to control this situation, so don't blame yourself-- you've done nothing wrong. Getting those thoughts out is a very therapeutic thing to do and I'm glad you're not bottling it in. All us commenters really do care about you and i'm so sorry to hear this news from you!
Keep posting & know our thoughts are with both you & your husband
xx all the best darl, k xx
Oh Rae,
I'm at a loss for words. I hope I have not caused you too much pain about my going ons. I feel almost guilty that I have succeeded where you havn't, but I know that your time will com and we all will be so happy for you. Please stay with us, we will be here for you whenever you need us
Mel
Rae
I'm so sorry- and I do know how you feel, I miscarried at 6 weeks - I guess I was barely even pregnant, but the loss and the emotions that went with it were huge and uncontrollable. Even though my head said one thing, it couldn't control the emotions, it was quite a rollercoaster. I've also spent several years trying to fall pregnant and its hard watching everyone else manage it so easily. But it will happen for you eventually, I now have three wonderful girls. Try not to focus on it too much - all will happen in good time, and you have plenty of other wonderful things in your life.
Lisa
I am so sorry to hear of your loss - I am sending Big Hugs to you :)
It doesn't feel like it at the moment - but you will get past this. You have great courage to post, we are all here for you xxx
Lots and lots of hugs Rae,
Keep positive
B
Oh Rae, that's so awful. We're all here to give you support as you need it.
Thinking of you in this difficult time, XXXX OOOO
Hi Rae
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Please dont blame yourself, I am sure you couldnt have changed what happened.
hugs Sarah
Hugs and kisses sending your way (and to your hubby too!) - I can only imagine how hard it is...
God bless and take care,
Jessie
So sorry to hear about your loss. Thankyou for sharing with us.
Take care.
Jac xx
I'm really sorry for your loss - I do hope everything goes well for you.
Hi Rae, Im so sorry you had to go through this tough time. I am sure you will be stronger for it one day.
Rae
My thoughts are with you and Duane as you deal with your grief and emotions in this rough time you are having..no it isnt your fault..
YOu were so brave to write this and to open yourself to all of us that read your raw emotions in your blog....thanks for being so brave to share how you are feeling and I hope it helped somewhat to tell your story to share and to accept all our love that we are all wishing you at this tough time...
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
May you know I care and yes you may have not met us but we are your friends I am your friend...
Take care sweetie..you are in my thoughts
Berrie xxxx
Rae,
If I was there I would take you in my arms and give you the biggest HUG, but I'm not so sending you the biggest cyber hug I could find. So sorry for your and Duane's loss. My thought's are with you...and darl it is NOT your fault.
>>>>HUGS<<<<<
mwahhhhhhh
Jen
much love to you my rae. youre a brave girl for doing this, and you know one day you will have that little one and i will be aunty donna, showering you both with gifts and love.. i know that may seem hard to imagine now, but think positive and you know anything can happen if you put your mind to it my beautiful sis.
i love you and i am sorry i havent been around much of late online but i am ALWAYS a phone call away and thinking of you my gorgeous sis.
you and i are souls combined... mwah
d xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for your loss. You having been doing so many good things to make your life better, and this isn't fair. I hope that you give yourself time to heal and that you are blessed with as many children as you want in the future. *hugs*
Rae, I'm so sorry to hear this. It was very brave of you to post about it - that is the first step in the healing really, acknowledgement of what has happened and how it has made you feel. I hope you will be supported and comforted by close friends and family at this time, and know that there are a lot of people out there who care.
Lots of love xoxo
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